The Tetons
by Christopher Woods

Scene: A medical office. Four chairs side by side in a row. A small desk with a bell.

 

(Lights up)

 

(A woman Receptionist sits at a perfectly clean desk but for the bell. Patient 1 enters, doubled over in pain, takes seat. Patient 2 enters, takes seat.)

 

Patient 1: This is my first visit here. (Patient 2 doesn’t answer) Excuse me...

Patient 2: I’ve come here always. Forever.

Patient 1: Oh. Does one check in?

Patient 2: In?

Patient 1: Yes. Announce my presence.

Patient 2: Is it so grand?

Patient 1: I’m sorry. I mean, does one check in to be seen? Noticed? I have a serious ailment. Maybe a blood malfunction. An organ disorder. Should I check in?

Patient 2: Your call.

Patient 1: (doubles over in pain again) Where?

Patient 2: Where do you think? Don’t you see the desk?

Patient 1: (gestures to desk) There?

(Patient 2 nods)

Patient 1: Thank you. Very much.

(Obviously in great pain, Patient 1 rises, approaches desk, greets Receptionist)

Patient 1: Good morning.

(no response)

Patient 1: I believe I have an appointment.

(no response)

Patient 2: Ring it.

Patient 1: What?

Patient 2: The bell. Ring the bell.

Patient 1: But isn’t it apparent that I’m here? Barely, but here? Isn’t that enough?

Patient 2: Ring the damned bell! I know about this.

(Patient 1 reaches out to ring bell, hesitates, takes a step back)

Patient 2: Do it! Pretend you’ve done it before. Forever.

Patient 1: Thanks. (Rings the bell timidly, but no response from Receptionist. Rings it again, louder)

Receptionist: (rises, vicious) That’s enough!

Patient 2: Now you’ve done it.

Patient 1: Sorry, I...

Receptionist: For God’s sake, what do you want?

Patient 1: I have an appointment. With the doctor.

Receptionist: Today?

Patient 1: Today, yes. This very morning.

Receptionist: (nastily) Oh? Don’t you be so aggressive with me. I don’t tolerate aggressive. Especially from someone like you. Do you understand?

Patient 1: I’m sorry. Truly. It’s just that I’m in such pain. Didn’t you receive my records?

Receptionist: I did, yes. I’m considering them. Everything seems to be in order. I’m a bit offended by your financial records, I don’t mind saying.

Patient 1: (doubles over in pain again) What’s wrong with my finances?

Receptionist: I can’t go into it now. Can’t you see how busy I am? Go, have a seat.

Patient 1: But I haven’t given you my name.

Receptionist: (stands) I said, go back to your seat! Now! Shall I call security? It will be most unpleasant for you. Very painful.

(frightened, Patient 1 returns to seat)

Receptionist: Take the far seat. I mean it.

Patient 1: But I started in this chair.

Receptionist: That was before your outburst. Take the last seat if you want to be seen by the doctor.

Patient 1: (takes last seat) (to Patient 2) What did I do?

Patient 2: More than was necessary, apparently. Not good.

Receptionist: Mr. Standhope?

Patient 2: Good! (Rises, goes to the office with his chair. The Receptionist motions him into the office, with his chair)

(Outer office door opens and Patient 3 enters, takes seat nearest the desk)

Receptionist: (brightly) How good to see you!

Patient 3: Thanks. How are you?

Receptionist: So relaxed since going to the beach. It was so wonderful of you to let me stay in your house.

Patient 3: It was nothing. We were at our mountain home. I was happy you could enjoy our beach house.

Patient 1: (to Receptionist) Madam, is the doctor running late?

Receptionist: It’s a lovely, lovely beach.

Patient 3: I hoped you would like it. I wasn’t sure. I wanted it to be nice for you.

Patient 1: Pardon me for asking, but is the doctor running late?

Receptionist: There was no reason to wonder. I don’t think I have ever seen such a beautiful beach.

Patient 3: That makes me feel so good.

(Patient 1 doubles over in pain again)

Patient 1: Oh my god. (slight pause, then to Receptionist) Excuse me...

Receptionist (rises) Shut up! (goes to Patient 1 and confronts her) Who do you think you are? Well, I’ll tell you. You are no one. No one! And your records are a disgrace. You waltz in here, a first-time patient, and act like we owe you something. But I have news for you. We owe you nothing. Nothing!

(Receptionist returns to desk)

Patient 3: (to Patient 1) That’s unfortunate for you. Off to such a bad start.

Receptionist: Mr. Jenkins, the doctor will see you now.

Patient 3: So soon?

Receptionist: (smiling) Of course! (beat) Thank you again for the lovely ring.

Patient 3: (carrying his chair with him into the office) Please, call me Frank. At this point, there’s no need for formalities.

Receptionist: Why, certainly, Frank. Thank you Mr. Jenkins. Frank.

Patient 3: Oh, before I forget, I want you to know that my wife and I are going to the beach for a holiday.

Receptionist: How wonderful! Such a beautiful beach.

Patient 3: Yes, it’s that. But I wondered if you might want to stay in our mountain hideaway.

Receptionist: Oh Frank.

Patient 3: I trust the mountains will appeal to you. The Tetons, you know. (knowing smile)

Receptionist: They’ll be marvelous, I’m sure. The Tetons. (winks)

Patient 3: Yes, the Tetons. It’s the least I can do. You’ve treated me so well. So very well. (he winks, then carries his chair into the office)

(Patient 4, a woman, enters, moves to desk to ring bell)

Receptionist: Hi! No need for that. For the bell.

Patient 4: No? But I thought that was the way.

Receptionist: Not for the special people. And certainly not for you.

Patient 4: (chuckles) Oh.

Receptionist: I don’t need to tell you why you’re so special to me.

(Receptionist rises, moves around the desk and kisses Patient 4 hard on the lips)

Patient 4: I remember now.

Receptionist: And so do I. (beat) The doctor will see you in just a moment. I don’t want to keep you waiting.

Patient 4: Good. I have to tell you, I have been in such pain.

(Sounds of pain from Patient 1)

Receptionist: I can imagine. But I warned you.

Patient 4: You did. But...

Receptionist: It’s probably my fault, using the Terminatrix. Supreme strap-on so soon. We should have taken our time, worked our way up to it. I feel guilty.

Patient 4: Please! It’s my own doing. I begged for it, didn’t I?

Patient 1: (weakly) Excuse me, but I’m bleeding.

(Receptionist ignores Patient 1)

Patient 4: You meant well. You wanted to please me. It’s my own fault. I don’t want you to feel guilty, please. I even brought a gift for you. (hands an envelope to Receptionist)

Receptionist: For me? You shouldn’t have. (opens the envelope, smiles)

Patient 4: But I wanted to. I told you that I have no relationship with my children. I’m alone since becoming a widow. You’ve showed me such kindness. Frankly, you’ve satisfied me sexually like no one ever has before. That’s why I had my will changed. Everything will be yours, my dear.

Receptionist: I’m touched. (kisses Patient 4 again)

Patient 4: You deserve it. All of it.

Receptionist: I hope so. (beat) I’ll be going away for a week. To the Tetons. Would you like to go with me?

Patient 1: (hoarsely, desparate) Help me. I’m losing consciousness.

Patient 4: The Tetons! My god!

Receptionist: Yes, to a very close friend’s chalet. Fourteen thousand feet elevation. Imagine that.

(Patient 1 falls to the floor)

Patient 4: By my brain aneurysm. I worry about the thin air.

Receptionist: Don’t be silly. Good, fresh air is a curative for that little old aneurysm. Teton air. The best.

Patient 4: I guess so. The Tetons.

Receptionist: Good, then it’s settled. (beat) The doctor will see you now.

(Patient 4 wrestles with her chair, but has trouble)

Receptionist: Let me get that for you.

(Patient 4 and the Receptionist, and the chair, begin to move into the office)

Patient 1: Help me. Please!

Receptionist: (to Patient 1) You’ll have to ring the bell.

Patient 1: (gasping for breath) How can I? I can’t move.

Receptionist: Then you need to see the doctor.

Patient 1: Isn’t that what I’m doing here?

Receptionist: You should have come earlier. Or later. The office is closed now. Come back another time. The doctor is already gone. And I am leaving for the Tetons.

(Receptionist puts her arm around Patient 4, carries the chair with the other, and they exit into the office. As they leave, Patient 1 dies on the floor)

BLACKOUT

 

CHRISTOPHER WOODS has published a prose collection, Under a Riverbed Sky, and a book of stage monologues for actors, Heart Speak. He lives in Houston and Chappell Hill, Texas. His photographs can be seen in his online gallery, Moonbird Hill, at www.moonbirdhill.exposuremanager.com. Christopher wrote "The Tetons" while sitting in a chair experiencing the joys of chemotherapy.

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